


An Assassin and White Baby

by seraphim_grace



Category: Weiss Kreuz
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-06
Updated: 2010-10-06
Packaged: 2017-10-12 11:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seraphim_grace/pseuds/seraphim_grace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>An Assassin and White Baby</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. An unexpected delivery

**Author's Note:**

> An Assassin and White Baby

An Assassin and White Baby

* * *

Part one - An unexpected delivery

* * *

Manx looked even more harried than usual as she lifted the heavy basket from her car, there was a large duffel bag over her shoulder and she took a moment to straighten up and looked at the basket she had stuck under her arm. Then knocked on the shutter.

Kudoh Yohji was not at his best in the morning, his hair was in several different directions and one eye appeared to be glued shut, his shirt was torn and filthy and his trousers were open. "Humph." He said, leaning on the grate more than trusting his own feet. He had obviously slept in the shop, a suspicion that was confirmed by the forget-me-not stuck in his hair just behind his ear and the soil stain that marked his entire left sleeve.

"G'way, day job now, not night job, g'way." He said and went to pull the grate closed again.

"I need to speak to Fujimiya." Manx said, "not you. So you can go back to sleep. Isn't the shop ready?"

"S'Sunday." Yohji slurred, opening the gate again to let her in. "Aya's n'the kitchen." He looked at his watch, "is it that early? Hate you."

Manx smiled and shifted the bag on her shoulder, adjusting the basket in her arms.

Aya was in the kitchen, staring into a cup of green tea as if it was a window to another world. "You're here early." He said, not looking up.

"You have a mission, so important that I had to come early, and Persia would only trust you with it. I will even excuse you from working in the shop if you take it, as well as group missions."

"And my usual fee for solo missions?" Aya asked, standing up, he offered her tea but she refused as he refilled his cup.

"Double up front and the same again for successful completion."

Aya stared at her for a moment. "Is this mission dangerous or distasteful? It must be for you to offer so much money."

"Neither." Manx said, "do you accept?"

"Hn," he answered.

"Fine," she put the basket on the table, "this Abyssinian is your mission, I present to you Mihana Tsukihara." His eyes went very narrow. "She's the adopted grand daughter of the head of the Tsukihara family," she reached into the basket and lifted the sleeping child, she couldn't have been more than six months old, with a head of soft black curls and was happily sucking on her fist in her sleep. "Schwarz have killed her parents, twice now, and until he can find a secure location for her we need someone with discretion to care for her." She offered Aya the baby, he looked at if it was a bomb or a disembodied head.

"Now, the money is in your account, here you go." she put the baby back into the basket, and then dropped the bag. "everything you need is in the bag, as well as some money to buy anything she needs. In the basket is a little Akita plushie that she takes everywhere, the blanket she has an attachment to as well, do you know how to change a diaper?" Aya nodded. "Well, I'll leave you then, Mihana, Aya, Aya, Mihana. Get along children."

Then she left the room and if she had have moved any faster then it would have been considered a run. Aya looked into the basket as if working out the best way to defuse a bomb. "K'fee." Yohji said stumbling into the kitchen, he was covered in soil and there were more flowers in his hair.

"Did you sleep in the shop again?" he asked handing Yohji the coffee and closing his hands about the cup.

"Mmn." Yohji answered, sniffing the cup as if to drink it through his nose. Then he looked into the basket. "Baby." He said quite clearly.

Ken chose that moment to enter, "why are you calling Aya baby?"

"Not baby," Yohji said, blinking, "baby." He pointed into the basket, Ken blinked and then tripped over Manx's duffel bag.

"Did I hear Manx?" Omi asked bouncing into the kitchen like a hyperactive four year old on sugar. "Yohji, why are you up so early? Ken-kun, why are you on the floor."

"Baby." Yohji explained.

"I thought you promised to stop calling me that." Omi said putting his hands on his hips and pouting, "it makes me really uncomfortable."

"Not baby, baby." Yohji protested, not really awake enough to make more sense than that.

"This baby." Aya said deciding to rescue him by lifting the child from the basket she was asleep in, blanket and all, and resting her on his hip. "Mihana Tsukihara, Weiss, Weiss, Mihana Tsukihara. My mission, from Manx," he bounced her a couple of times on his hip until she was settled comfortably.

"Why you?" Omi asked, looking a little upset. "Why not all of us?"

Aya went very quiet and then lowered his head. "Remember the kitten." They all took a moment to remember the kitten. The second kitten had been given to Nagi because Omi had overfed it and they had to take it to the vet. It seemed that evil assassins were much better at keeping cats than good assassins.

"Point made." Ken said. "Do you need us for anything, or shall we just move out in the meantime?"

Aya thought about it. "Ken, you and Yohji run down to the mall and fetch the following items, one crib, with mattress and bedding, make sure it's the safe kind, one lullaby light show, any questions, ask the ladies in the store, one car seat with handle for carrying, this basket's not really practical, and one buggy with extra blanket." He thought about it, "Omi, is there a bottle steriliser in the bag Manx gave us?" Omi rooted around in it before shaking his head. "Add one of those to the list. Did you write it down?" They both nodded. "All right, rule number two, until Mihana leaves no loud music in the house, no smoking Kudoh and no liquor in the house, what you do outside it is no concern of mine, but not near the baby. No women brought home, and no, Kudoh you can not borrow her to cruise for chicks." Omi had at this point laid out the supplies on the table. "and Ken, bring home more diapers, and some sudocrem and some baby powder and wipes, we have some but not very many."

"Don't we need a baby bath?" Omi asked.

"No," Aya said, "We'll wash her in the sink."

"Can I hold her?" Omi asked as the other two looked at their piece of paper in wonder.

Aya nodded, "sit down," Omi sat, Aya carefully laid her in his arms, before opening his wallet and handing Ken his credit card. "I want receipts."

"Aya," Omi said from behind them, "she's pulling funny faces at me. Is that normal?"

Aya rolled his eyes seeing the baby's expression. "Do you want to change her?" He asked Omi with a small and rather sad smile. "Or shall I do it?"

* * *

Mihana turned out to be a very happy baby, she seemed to genuinely like Omi and adored Aya, giggling every time he picked her up. In Ken's arms she struggled and wriggled very badly. For Yohji she seemed to save her vomit, and then screamed loudly.

"Seems like someone's not as popular with all the women in Tokyo as he'd like to believe." Aya said taking the baby from where Yohji held it away from him in distaste. He rested her against his chest, holding her carefully with one hand as he wiped her face with a wipe he had in the other.

"She has no taste, that's all." Yohji said, pulling at his crop top and it's offending foul smelling white stain.

"She likes Aya well enough." Ken said as he shook the warm bottle of formula to make sure that there were no hot spots. "And Omi, I think she just thinks that I'll drop her, and she's under eighteen and so has no interest for you, eh, Yotan?"

"Smart alec." Yohji growled, "it's all up when even Ken can take pot shots at me."

"Come now, Yotan," Omi said with one of his biggest smiles. "Mihana's a lovely girl, and you just bounce her a little much, that's why she sicks up on you. That's all." He took the bottle from Ken, testing the formula on the inside of his elbow, before he handed it to Aya who held it out for the baby, she started suckling happily.

"Bless." Yohji and Ken said looking at Aya's expression as he bottle fed the baby, it was resting in the crook of his elbow, and his head was tilted down to look at her. "Take his shirt off and it would be a hallmark moment." Yohji continued.

"Anyone got a camera?" Ken asked.

"Anyone got a death wish?" Aya asked without looking up from the baby in his arms, nor changing his expression in any way.

"Sorry, Aya," They said in unison.

"So," Aya continued, sitting down at the kitchen table to better rest the baby on his knee to feed her, "you bought her a crib, did you set it up yet?"

"No, Aya," Ken said running off.

"And you, have you built the buggy yet?" He flicked his eyes to Yohji.

"No, just starting that now." Yohji said running away.

"You wouldn't really kill them, would you, Ayan?"

Aya flicked his eyes up to the boy, and then smiled, "Not in front of the baby." He said. "And not for so little, if they took the photo, then yes, because Yohji would put it on the internet or sell it to the fangirls."

"How did you become so good with babies?" Omi asked, looking delicately at the image, as both Ken and Yohji had suggested it was very sweet seeing him with the baby. He would take photos later and send them to Nagi for Crawford, Aya would trust him for that. After what had happened in Gion Aya and Crawford often traded messages, though they both denied it.

"That, Omi," he said, taking the bottle from Mihana and wiping her mouth clean, "is a long story." He managed to lay a cloth over his shoulder before laying the baby next to his shoulder and patting her back. Omi realised very quickly that was all the answer he was going to get.

* * *

In the next chapter, Aya makes the mistake of taking Mihana out through the flower shop.


	2. Fan girls and pink suede shoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two

Part Two

Aya sat on the floor with Mihana facing him. He had wedged her back against the sofa in the mission room and was smiling at her. Of course had anyone interrupted them he would have denied it. He pulled the length of cloth over his face "Where's Mihana? Where'd she go?" Then he lowered it again, "there's Mihana," and reached forward to tickle her. He was rewarded with a burst of giggles. She really was a little too young to play this with but it was worth it for the explosion of giggles that she answered with. He lifted the tea towel over his face again, "where's Mihana?" He asked, "where'd she go?" He lowered it again, "there's Mihana." And tickled her again.

"Aya?" Omi said, popping his head around the door, "Kawaii!" He exclaimed.

Mihana was dressed in a frilly pink dress festooned with ribbons, she was also wearing a pair of pink suede booties and white frilly socks. Her dark hair was like a shadow that was covered in a soft white bonnet. Aya was all in black but leaning forward to tickle her and they were both laughing. It was also perfectly clear from the tea towel between them what they had been playing.

Aya picked up Mihana and got to his feet, "is there something you wanted?" He asked, "surely the shop is getting ready for the after school rush?" Mihana was still giggling but Aya was obviously embarrassed at being caught.

"We're running out of tea and other things, I was wondering if you could do some food shopping, you could take her for a walk, we're also running a little low on diapers." When Aya was on a mission you needed to appease the mission part of him. It was okay in Aya's opinion for Weiss to starve to death when he was in Abyssinian mode, but it was not okay for his mission to go without diapers. Omi knew that. "Oh, and Aya, you might not want to take her through the shop when the fan-girls are there. So you might want to be quick." Aya shuddered at the very thought as he took Mihana over to her buggy.

It was a wide blue plastic buggy that Yohji had assured him was the very best in the shop, it had also been the most expensive. It was wide and cushioned and Mihana settled in as he buckled her in, and then tucked a blanket over her lap as he pulled his coat on, then lifted his wallet. "Thank you, Ayan." Omi said gushing.

"You want to give me a hand with this?" Aya asked, lifting the back of the pushchair, Omi picked up the front and between them they carried it down the three stairs into the back of the shop.

* * *

The flower shop was swarming with teenage girls all screaming and grabbing, it was a position that seemed much worse because for the fact it seemed to do no good Aya's yelling actually calmed them slightly. They were as destructive and feared as a plague of locusts and on one of the few nights they didn't have cram school they were worse than usual. Ouka stood at the counter obviously looking for Omi, who was hiding behind Omi, where Ken and Yohji were doing their best to cope. It was too late, Aya thought, girding his loins and preparing for battle. There were many dark beasts in the world, and none that he feared more than a shop full of teenage girls.

He took a deep breath and whispered, "Omi, distract them." And pushed him into the shop. There was a loud squeal and the boy was dragged off in a mass of hair ribbons and seifuku.

"Well if you aren't the most beautiful girl in all the world." Yohji said, diving into the fray to rescue the boy. "And, Yumiko, have you had your hair cut?"

Aya took a second deep breath and pushed the buggy into the shop. There was a moment of unearthly silence, as if a veil had been laid over the world and the sounds had been leeched from the world. Then there was a faint scream. Then every single one of them moved, as one, as if some colossal general had commanded a legion of the un-dead towards him. "Aya-san has a baby." One of them squealed.

"Kawaii." They shouted in unison and then dived on him.

"Kami-sama." Aya said about ready to turn face and run like a woman back into the safety of the apartment.

"Where did you get a baby?" "Is it yours? Can I hold it? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Ladies." Yohji said, doing his best to extricate him from the mess, "Aya is just looking after her for his cousin, Hanae-san, don't pester him."

"What's her name?" Ouka asked, leaning in front of the buggy and making faces at the baby, who answered with a loud scream.

"Mihana." Aya answered, his knuckles were white around the handle. "I have to, umm, I mean, well."

"Aya was just taking her for a walk." Ken interjected.

"I'll go with him." Ouka volunteered.

Omi rolled his eyes, "but Ouka," he protested, "I thought that you were going to tell me all about what happened today at lunch." Aya mouthed a thank you and left at what was just short of a dead run.

* * *

He pushed the buggy through the automatic doors of the supermarket and cast his eyes about for teenage girls they way he did on a mission when looking for goons. Guessing that all was clear he stepped into the dairy aisle. There was a deadly silence, he looked at the three middle-aged ladies and they looked back. Somewhere a clock ticked. Then with quicker reactions they were upon him. "Is she yours? Where's her mother? Isn't she lovely?" They were making outstretched grabbing motions as they squatted in front of the push chair. Mihana took it in her stride, happily sucking on Froufie, as Omi had called her little Akita plushie. It was soggy and rather vile, and Aya had every intention of popping it in the laundry later. The barrage of questions continued, "what's her name? That frock she's wearing is lovely, where did you get it? how old is she? What did she weigh when she was born? Is she seven or eight months?"

"Hn." Aya went to push past them but they formed a human barricade. "her name's," across the store he could see Nagi at the candy by the cash desks obviously thinking long and hard over what to choose, Schuldig not far from him looking more and more irate. "Mi-," he paused for a moment, if Schwarz found him here they might take the opportunity to take Mihana and he would have failed his mission, "o, her name's Miho, she's six and a half months, yes she is a little big, but I'm only looking after her for a couple of days, she's my sister's baby."

"Aren't you a nice young man." One of the women said fluffing her short black hair around her face. "I have a daughter about your age, very pretty she is too, she can never find a nice man, and you are nice looking, though I'm not sure about your hair, and you're good with children."

"You're tall as well," one of the others said, "nice tall grandchildren."

What little colour Aya had drained from his face.

"You work in that florist's don't you? The Koneko no Sumu Ie." The third one said squinting, "My Tsukiko and Hoshiko have told me all about you boys. See girls, he even has a good job."

He wasn't sure which was worse to him that these women were setting him up, they were setting him up with fan-girls. He had told Yohji he wasn't allowed to use Mihana to cruise for girls. "What's your name, young man?"

Aya took a deep breath and did what any young man would do in his place, "Yohji Kudoh," he answered. "I'm sorry to run off, ladies, but I have quite a lot to do today and if I don't buy milk and diapers it will be Miho that suffers." He grabbed the first bottle of milk that came to hand and walked quickly and firmly away without looking back.

"Sir." A young woman called out behind him as he picked up a box of diapers. "sir," she called a little more insistently, he turned his head with a full factor five Shi-ne glare. The girl winced a little and then held up a small pink suede shoe. "Your daughter dropped this."

"She's not my daughter." Aya grated in such a cold and vicious tone that Mihana began screaming, everyone in the shop turned to look at him. He began wishing for the ground to open up and swallow him.

* * *

Author's note.

Sorry about the delay on this, but I was challenged to write a piece called afterimage of a boy, so i slaved over that for my challenger to tell me it needed to be done again, so in the next few days you may find it for those that are interested.

Anyhow, sorry this is short and took so long, but between working on something a lot more dour, flu and writers block time tends to slip away. thank you all for being patient.

And the idea about Kritiker just giving Aya the baby being completely irresponsible, i am aware of it, and believe me i have planned for it, just be patient, all will be explained. Also sorry chapter one was a bit rushed.


	3. With Enemies like these who needs friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3

Part 3

* * *

Nagi looked away from the sweet stand at the counter to see where the god awful wailing was coming from. Holding a packet of strawberry and cream boiled sweets he didn't know whether to cry or laugh. Shock warred with hilarity as he saw Aya Fujimiya standing, obviously wanting the ground to open up and swallow him, as a small baby in a pink frock squalled her heart out in front of him.

"Schuldig." He started, tugging on Schuldig's sleeve.

"Look, unless it involves candy covered chestnuts, kiddo, I'm not interested." Schuldig said, continuing to pay for his groceries with single yen pieces thoroughly enjoying the mental anguish it was causing the lady behind the counter. "And will someone sort out that baby?" He added, turning around to see the disturbance. "Camera," he said, "camera," he repeated tugging on Nagi's sleeve, "I need a camera."

"I haven't got one." Nagi answered, too shocked to do anything but stare blankly at the scene unfolding before him.

Aya had obviously decided to just live with his overwhelming mortification as he was squatting in front of the push chair trying, and failing, to stop the child screaming. "It's all right, shush," he undid the clasp and picked her up, remarkably knowledgeable for an assassin, bouncing her, one hand on her diaper and the other on the back of her head.

Schuldig threw down a ten thousand yen note and murmured keep the change as he shook his head, moving to rescue Abyssinian, although Crawford denied that there was anything between them, far too vehemently for Schuldig to even believe him a little, he'd never hear the end of it if he left him to suffer. He opened a package of cheese chunks and holding it out, like an offering, he approached the baby.

"Get away from her, Schwarz." Aya snarled, turning away, his foot hooked around the wheel just in case he decided to snatch the push chair.

"Look, peace offering." He said, holding out the square of cheese, "the women say that this will calm her. I'm giving away Farfarello's cheddar here, so at least let me try."

Aya snatched the cheese lump and offered it to the baby, she grabbed it in her fist and kept screaming. "Shush," he murmured. "Shush, come on little one, everyone's looking."

"Well, that worked." Schuldig said sarcastically. "So, what else can make little Miho happy?" He had obviously taken the name from one of the women that had grabbed Aya minutes before.

Nagi lifted the well gummed and rather smelly stuffed toy from the push chair and held it out to Miho with his power, floating it over to her, and letting her grab it with the fist not holding the cheese. She gummed the cheese and snuffled into the plushie's fur. Then she smiled at him over Aya's shoulder. "Well, she likes the chibi." Schuldig said with a shrug, "I'm going to take the shopping home. Help the kitten, kiddo, and I'll see you later." He rolled his shoulders. "I'm not Crawford but even I can foretell that if you walk away, Nagi, that kid's gonna start squalling again. If you have to stay the night, phone ahead, oh, and chibi," He bent down to look carefully at Nagi, "remember, I can read your mind before you do something that Crawford will blame me for."

"Schuldig," Nagi called after him as he went to leave the supermarket, "you better feed my cat."

* * *

Nagi pushed the push chair full of shopping as Aya carried Mihana, the push chair was nearly as tall as he was, and definitely weighed more, laden down with all the food that Aya had bought, before they walked back to the florists. He and Aya had always gotten along well because neither were given to overt displays of affection or long winded conversations, in fact they could both be sullen and silent together. What Nagi didn't know was that Aya had agreed to it so he had someone else to sacrifice to the fan-girls the way he had Omi.

"Shouldn't we go through the back door?" He said as they approached the shop, it was swarming with girls, and he thought, but couldn't be sure, that he could see Yohji being carried off by the tide of oestrogen that permeated the shop. "I mean." He didn't say anything else.

"Can't," Aya said, "push chair's too big, doesn't fit." He was mentally preparing himself, with any luck he could just shove Nagi the way he had Omi and run, and be safely into either the greenhouse or the back before anyone noticed he was even there.

"How about we carry the baby in, and collapse the push chair?" Nagi looked at him with incredibly intelligent eyes and Aya sweat dropped, he hadn't thought of that, at all. He had a habit of doing that, missing something so completely obvious as he looked for a more intelligent answer, and obvious links missed him entirely, but if it was tenuous or involved hours of intensive study, as well as self deprivation, he was the man for the job. "You didn't think of that, did you?" Nagi asked as they walked down the alley down the side of the shop. Aya shook his head. "Omi told me about the what-tur-bid." He managed to say it in a single syllable with not even a hint of a smile, "how you spent the whole day looking it up after seeing it on a shop window, before Yohji pointed out it was pronounced water bed."

"It wasn't that funny." Aya growled, opening the back door to the shop.

"No," Nagi admitted, "the priceless one in that book with the dark age north man called Eric."

"I'm sure lots of people didn't notice it was Eric the Viking." Aya said, settling Mihana down in the basket so that he could help Nagi with the shopping. She was asleep and happily sucking on the chunk of cheese that Schuldig had given them.

It suddenly occurred to him that Aya Fujimiya had his hands free, and was perfectly capable of killing him, although not necessarily from a look though his glares were pretty vicious. He really wasn't the best person to tease, especially as he was the person that allowed him to see his boyfriend. Schuldig and Farfarello let him see Omi, and kept the secret from Crawford, but Aya let Omi see him. "Well, I'll make some tea." He said realising that he was in imminent danger.

"Leave water in the kettle," Aya said going out to get the rest of the shopping, "she'll be hungry when she wakes up."

"Where'd she come from?" Nagi asked as he turned on the tap to fill the kettle, "I mean, the kitten you gave me I can explain, that freaky doctor that blew himself up gave you that. Is there more than one freaky doctor that likes you?"

"She's Angora, one of Persia's secretaries', daughter, I'm just looking after her for a few days." Aya lied. "I doubt that even the freaky doctors that I attract are mad enough to give me babies."

"Where did you get so good with babies?" He asked, arranging five cups for the tea.

"That, Nagi, is a very long story." He said, measuring out several spoons of formula into several bottles. He was setting up enough food for the rest of the day and the night. Nagi realised from the silence that followed that that was all the answer he was going to get.

* * *

Ken looked around the shop to see if anyone would notice, before he slipped into the back room to see if he could get some tea or soda or possibly some valium for the three of them in the shop. He walked into the room backwards, sometimes the fan-girls followed him if he wasn't entirely careful and walked into the young man behind him with a tray. "God, Aya, I am so sorry," he said picking up the pieces of the broken crockery before it even occurred to him that it wasn't Aya that he was helping. It was Nagi, Schwarz Nagi, one of his absolute worst enemies, in his kitchen, with tea.

He scuttled backwards, his legs flailing as he pushed himself back on his ass to the wall, "sch," he managed, "sch," he tried again, "schwarz." He said pointing.

"Vuh," Nagi said putting the last of the broken crockery on the tray, "Vuh," he said standing up with a smile, "weiss." He put the tray down on the table.

"Ken," Aya said coming in with the last of the shopping bags, "what are you doing there?"

"Schwarz." He answered pointing.

"It's just Nagi." Aya answered, "god, Ken," he said looking at the broken tea set, "that's the third set this month, if this carries on we're going to be reduced to using plastic cups."

"It was my fault, Aya-san." Nagi said, "I wasn't looking where I was going?"

"I was walking backwards." Ken admitted ruefully.

"As long as neither of you got scalded." He said, "I'm going to take Mih," he stopped and looked at Nagi "ho upstairs and put her down for a nap, clean up the mess, boys, and I might let you live."

* * *

Nagi looked at the mountain of food that was on the plate before him and gaped. Normally in the Schwarz household Crawford cooked for Nagi and himself, and it was fair game for the others, it wasn't unusual at all for Schuldig to steal food off Nagi's plate if he wasn't quick enough to defend it. Everyone in the Weiss household however was being fed enough to last Schwarz a week. It was stir fry and rice and strips of honey glazed chicken that Aya had made himself from scratch. Nagi knew that because he'd watched him. He'd even helped, more out of the demand that if he wasn't going to help to make himself scarce than any real desire to cook.

"For what we are about to receive," Ken said lifting his chopsticks, "Aya, we are truly grateful."

Omi lifted a large chunk from his stir fry, "ooh, mushrooms." He ate it with genuine delight, chewing and grinning at the same time which was really cute to watch.

"Nagi," Yohji said looking at him strangely, "aren't you hungry?" Nagi didn't know whether this concern for him was genuine or whether Balinese was trying to steal his food. He felt uncomfortable sitting at this table with the assassin group sworn to kill him as they were feeding him. He knew that they hadn't poisoned him, because he had watched, and even helped, make dinner, it was just the concern that they were showing to make sure he ate, or if he was slow enough that they could steal his dinner.

It wasn't like this at home. He thought as they all stared at him, "sorry," he apologised looking at his food, "it's not like this at home."

"You're too skinny," Aya said firmly, cutting off the conversation, "eat, everything on that plate as well." He glared around the table, "if you don't clear your plate none of you are getting ice cream."

Omi and Ken looked abashed and started digging into their food in earnest, "mmm ice cream." Ken murmured with a mouthful of green and red peppers.

Nagi picked up a strip of the food as the phone started to ring. "That's for you." He said, looking at Aya, "Schuldig will have told Crawford now where I am and he'll be phoning to make sure I'm eating properly and to find out if you've out and out kidnapped me or if I'm getting returned later."

Yohji laughed at that as Aya got up to answer the phone. "We didn't kidnap you, kiddo," he said, "you followed Aya home so Omi gets to keep you."

Omi started to choke on a large chunk of onion and Ken started patting him gently on the back. "Got to be careful," Ken chided, "chew better." Then Nagi realised, that Yohji knew about him and Omi, but Ken didn't, and Omi didn't seem to know that Yohji knew either. However, Aya knew everything.

Although Aya took the call in the hall they could clearly hear his conversation, "no, it's true." There was a slight pause, "I'm just looking after her." Aya drummed his fingers on the wall beside the phone, "it's just a temporary thing." He nodded, "he's eating now, do you want to speak to him?" He looked at Nagi, "chicken and vegetable stir fry." There was another short pause, "ice cream." Aya was nodding as he listened to whatever Crawford was saying. "She adopted him, it was Schuldig's idea." There were a few affirmative noises. "No, no, it's fine, he can stay in the exercise room, it's between mine and Ken's, he'll be perfectly safe." There was another short pause, "Look, Yohji's not that big of a hentai, no matter what Schuldig says." Yohji looked aghast as the others snickered. Even Nagi had to admit that was quite funny. "It's not a school night." He said as Yohji pulled faces at him. "Okay, I'll see you about eight." There was another small pause. "We won't. See you then." He slipped the handset back unto the cradle. "Well, Nagi, you're staying over tonight, Crawford has a late meeting and trusts you more with us than with Farfarello on his own. He's dropping off your pyjamas and George later. He wants you to make sure to eat all your dinner."

"Who's George?" Ken asked.

"Is that a boyfriend?" Yohji said with a sly grin and a bit of a leer.

"No," Omi answered a little too quickly.

"It's my donkey." Nagi answered, "I can't sleep without him." Around the kitchen things began levitating, "and if one of you says a single word I'll fold you tight enough I can post you with a first class stamp."

"I said to Crawford that we wouldn't tease him." Aya said firmly, and that, clearly was that. "Now, eat up, the ice cream's melting. I'm going to get Mih-ho." He seemed to pause over the name.

"I thought." A chopstick stabbing him in the arm silenced Yohji quickly and efficiently, he changed the subject. "Babies couldn't eat ice cream."

"She can't." Aya answered, "but she does have to eat. Nagi, I want that plate cleared and Omi and Ken will explain the house rules to you."

Author's Note:

* * *

Just a recap, about who knows what

Aya knows everything.

Nagi and Omi

Schuldig, Farfarello and Yohji know about allegedly doesn't.

Aya and Crawford,

only Aya and Crawford know about Omi suspects and Nagi is pretty sure but it's nor been confirmed. He thinks that Aya broke it off after coming out that he was a man.

Ken knows nothing.


	4. Child snatchers working out of the dairy section

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 4

Part 4

* * *

Schuldig walked into the schwarz safe house eating from a bag of candy. Crawford met him in the hall, "where's Nagi, and don't tell me you sold him for a bag of magic beans again?"

Schuldig looked insulted, "there was nothing magic about those beans." He said, he offered Crawford a candy but wasn't really that surprised when he was turned down.

"You were supposed to take him food shopping," Crawford said, "it's hardly complicated, it's not even as if it was dangerous, now where did you last see him?"

"In the super market." Schuldig answered, "there's quite a funny story about that." Crawford's face got stonier and stonier. "Look, I didn't lose him, he got stolen." He looked into the granite block that Crawford's face was imitating rather well. "He went of his own free will."

Crawford raised a single black eyebrow and his glasses glinted. "Who in their right mind would steal a fifteen year old telekinetic assassin from underneath the gaze of the telepathic assassin who was baby sitting him?"

"Look, I told you there's this funny story about this." Schuldig started as Crawford opened his jacket to reveal the magnum .45 he had in his shoulder holster in what he considered a meaningful manner. "We were at the supermarket, and I was paying for the groceries when this baby started screaming."

"So why did a baby screaming cause you to lose Nagi?" Crawford had actually lost his composure and his voice was hitching. "Was it a child snatching ring working out of the dairy section?" Farfarello was still in trouble for having lost Nagi in Kyoto.

"I'm getting there." Schuldig protested, "so Nagi tugs on my sleeve and it's Abyssinian, Weiss Abyssinian, stood there in toiletries, with a baby in a push chair that was screaming it's head off, so I dove off to rescue him. Because I am the only one allowed to make his life a living hell." Crawford took off his glasses and started rubbing the bridge of his nose to stave off a headache. "Anyway the kid didn't stop squalling until Nagi came to see her, and it looked like she'd start again if I didn't let the kid go with Weiss, so he's there, just looking after Abyssinian's screaming daughter."

Crawford put his glasses into his pocket and began rubbing his temples. "I'm going to phone the Koneko, if they back up your story I'll let you live."

"Don't worry, I gave the baby some of Farfarello's cheese." Schuldig said bending down to pick up the cat that Weiss had given Nagi. It was the cat that Doctor Muraki had given Aya and then Omi had overfed enough to make him sick. It hated Schuldig but nonetheless he was quite fond of it. "He'll kill me when he finds out."

"But I warn you, Schuldig, none of my intelligence even suggests that Fujimiya has a baby." Crawford said.

"I promise you," Schuldig said honestly, "he had a baby. He said her name was Miho."

"Just go away." Crawford said, "you lost Nagi, and if it turns out that Weiss don't have him, you are going to need the head start."

He flipped open his cell and used speed dial two, Nagi was number one but he knew for a fact that Nagi didn't have his cell because he had confiscated it for two o clock in the morning conversations he shouldn't have had. "Ran." He said as the phone was answered, "it's me." He could almost hear the smile in Aya's voice as they spoke, Aya had asked him to call him Ran when they were alone and it meant a lot to Crawford that he could. "I have to ask, is Nagi with you? Schuldig said you were at the supermarket with a baby and you stole him, I can't bring myself to believe him." He paused listening to Aya's answer then he frowned. "What about the baby?" He asked. He leaned back. "For how long, I just don't want to miss meeting with you." He listened to Aya's answer, "and Nagi?" He asked, he waited, "what are you having?" He thought about it, "what are you having for dessert?" He asked, then listened, Aya didn't speak a lot but he answered deftly. "Don't give him too much, he's a little dairy intolerant, it gives him excema. So why did you take him, was it because of Miho?" Aya's answer was longer than usual. "Are you sure you want to keep Nagi tonight, because it would be best, otherwise I have to leave him with Farfarello." He laughed a little at the slight laugh he could hear in Aya's voice. "Shouldn't I worry about Balinese? Schuldig has some stories." Aya was almost laughing, he knew him well enough to hear it in his voice. "Just don't let him stay up too late." Aya chided him in return. "I'll be there at eight, see you then, Ran." He got the impression that everyone could hear the conversation because Aya's sign off was rather neutral, "I'll look forward to it. I'll knock at the back door."

* * *

"Rule number one," Ken said through a mouthful of stir fry, "Aya is always right." He chewed for a moment, "actually, better make that one straight through to ten."

Omi digged him in the ribs with his elbow. "Rule number one is true though," he said to his boyfriend whilst Yohji snickered on, "Rule number two, always clear your plate, especially when Aya cooks. He gets offended when he thinks his effort's been wasted. Besides you're too skinny."

"Rule number three." Ken said, taking a sip of his cola between bites, "lock the bathroom door, it may not seem important in a house full of men, but just do it, okay."

"Or super hentai Yohji will join you in the shower." Omi said with a winning smile.

Yohji spluttered. "That was just once." He protested, "And it was an accident, I was drunk."

"It was only once because we came up with rule number three." Ken said with a smile, "although you did walk in on Aya on the toilet."

"That was the exact moment that we came up with rule three, when Aya ran after him holding his pants up with one hand and chasing him through the apartment with his katana in the other screaming "Shi-ne, Kudoh." There was a couple of moment's laughter at that image.

"Rule number four, never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, wake Aya." Yohji said, even Nagi nodded, ruefully at that. "He's always armed."

"Rule number five, do not fraternise with the Kritiker secretaries, they spread rumours, especially Birman." Ken said, "she'll have you paired up with Omi before she finishes saying hello." Ken missed Omi's momentary blush. "She's a real yaoi freak, I swear they spend all their free time pairing us off."

"Rule number six," Aya said from the door, he had in Mihana in his arms, "we don't tease Omi just because he's the youngest, though we do tease Yohji because he's a tart." Yohji stuck his tongue out, "don't stick it out unless you plan to use it." He said, sitting down with the baby settling on his lap, she was still sleepy, and gumming on her plushie.

"When you like, my darling." Yohji said with a smile, "you know you'll always be my first true love."

"Rule number seven," Omi said with a frown between the two of them, "never get between Aya and Yohji in a fight, you'll just get hurt."

"Rule number eight," Aya said, "bed at ten." Nagi went to protest, "I believe that one's Crawford's." He smiled, "and Omi goes to bed at eleven, whether he likes it or not." He looked at Omi, "you're younger than he is so you go to bed earlier. Ken, when you've finished eating dinner if you can make up a bed in the practise room for Nagi. So no sitting up all night watching anime and eating crap."

"Rule number nine, no crap." Yohji added, "I mean, no eating rubbish in the house ever, if it's not at least pretending to be healthy you can't have it, and no drinking, you're underage, definitely no smoking and add no loose women."

"So rule number nine, do not emulate Yohji." Aya said with a smile. "And this is the important one," he added, "rule number ten, and pay attention because I'll only say this once, don't let any of us walk all over you, if you want to back chat, back chat, if you want to call Yohji a tart, call Yohji a tart, if you don't want to listen to Ken enthuse about soccer tell him to shut up. You're a guest here tonight, not," Yohji coughed the word hostage into his hand, "a hostage, so ignore Kudoh."

"Thank you, Aya-san, for dinner." Nagi said, "this is really nice," he pushed the half full plate away, "but there is just too much for me."

"Rule number two." Omi hissed warningly.

"Eat skinny little man, eat." Ken added.

"Okay," Aya said, "you're not used to my portions, I'll make you a little something before you go to bed." He glared around the rest of the them suggesting that they better start shovelling food into their mouths, or else. "Ken is right, though, you're too skinny. Do you want some ice cream?" Nagi shook his head, "Crawford's got enough reasons to attack me, I don't want to add starving you to the list." Omi started to choke again. Aya gave him a dark look and he swallowed quickly. "Do you want to feed Mihana?" he asked.

"I thought her name was Miho." Nagi said.

Aya shrugged, "I lied." He stood up and set the baby on Nagi's knee, she was still happily sucking on Froufie, the plushie. She was sleepy, and Nagi suspected that if she wasn't sucking on the plushie, she'd be sucking on her thumb. He reached into the cupboard and lifted down a small jar of some kind of vegetable paste and a small plastic spoon. Mihana smiled when she saw the jar and was quite content to let Nagi offer her the spoon covered in the pale yellow goo.

"Bless," Yohji and Ken said together putting their heads against each other. "Nagi and Aya, Weiss mamas," Yohji finished. "Omi, get the camera."

"I'll do it." Aya said, "Omi, if you want to serve up the ice cream."

Ken and Yohji looked at each other. "What are you up to?" Ken asked.

"It's five to eight," Aya answered blithely, "Crawford will be arriving in five, four, three, two," the doorbell rang.

"That's just creepy." Yohji said.

"If it's next door again, I am so laughing." Ken said with a smile.

* * *

Aya made sure that no one was else was around or within ear shot as he opened the back door. Most men looked awful in white, it wasn't a flattering colour and for the most part men in white suits looked like displaced lounge singers or television evangelists. Crawford actually made it look hot. It made him look nicely evil. It also made him stand out like a television angel in the dark alleyway. If there wasn't a chance of them being interrupted Aya might have made a joke about it, along the lines of "hello, Mr Angel, am I here to be touched?"

"I'll have to be quick, Schuldig's waiting in the car." Crawford said handing him the duffel bag and leaning in to kiss Aya on the cheek, "you smell of baby powder." He said inhaling deeply, "I think I like it."

"Crawford, you're as big a hentai sometimes as Yohji." Aya said with a small laugh.

"Give me a kiss, Ran, and I'll forgive you for calling me a pervert." Yet Crawford's smile was actually quite warm. Aya looked about then leaned forward, chastely kissing Crawford, "go on, quick, before they notice that we're up to something, I'll see you Wednesday, don't bring the baby."

"How?" Aya asked, licking his lips, "I can't exactly leave her behind."

"Get Nagi or Omi to baby sit." Crawford answered and then stole another kiss. "It will only be a couple of hours, and Ran, please make sure that Yohji leaves Nagi alone tonight."

Aya smiled, "I know you want everyone to think you're an evil mastermind, and you even attend the conventions and Christmas parties, but you're a sweetheart really." He squeezed Crawford's hand.

"Hey," Crawford acted mock hurt, "I even have a homoerotic relationship with the leader of my enemies." He was grinning, Aya loved Crawford's grin, it was so rare and he felt privileged because the only person that ever saw it was Nagi who Crawford loved like a son, or a beloved little brother.

"Is that what they call it?" In the car Schuldig blew the horn.

"I have to go, Ran, I'll pick Nagi up tomorrow and you can show me the baby." He reached forward and placed a soft kiss on the end of Aya's nose. "Till then." Then he turned and went down the alley again.

* * *

Author's Note:

Back by popular demand, Mr Crawford, you make it sound like he was noticeably absent when I just hadn't brought him back yet, and yet no one asks about Farfarello.

Anyway, I didn't mean it to read in my last note than Ken was stupid, he just doesn't know, the running joke will be that Ken is always the last to know.

Anyway don't expect anything from me this weekend as I have the new Thomas Covenant novel to read and I've only been waiting for it forever, I read the other chronicles well over ten years ago, so just be patient.

If you ask nicely, you may get a side story next week though.


	5. Kitten napping and champagne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 5

Part 5

Kitten napping, champagne and lullaby light shows.

* * *

Farfarello was hurting god. He did this in many ways, some of his favourites, he had to admit, made God weep, so when Schuldig had promised him a DVD that would hurt God he was shocked not to find a Danish Death Metal music collection, (they always promised church burnings and satanic motivated murders as well as long haired men dressed as trolls shouting about the church) Mississippi Burning a film he knew perfectly well had to hurt god, or even the Last Temptation of Christ a film that the church had decried, but a rather innocuous program about an Irish priest called Father Ted.

Sitting in Crawford's favourite armchair, polishing his knives with a little lemon pledge (which was also good for making Schuldig's hair stand up straight) and Nagi's kitten sitting on his shoulders, Farfarello found himself a new role model, someone he could look up to in times of need and doubt, someone who would understand his every vagary, and making sure all the scratches were out of his favourite flick knife he laughed, "feck," he said practising his impersonation, "drink," he thought about it, "knives," he said, then he laughed again, "feck, drink, drink, feck," and then in a true impersonation he went to sleep on the armchair.

* * *

Schuldig was convinced that when God sat down to design Reiji Takatori he had dipped his hand into the bag of traits and pulled out the words "evil," "possessive" and "koala". The man's side burns were fascinating in their own evil way, and if Schuldig couldn't read minds and therefore know better he would believe the future prime minister of Japan sat of an evening stroking them the way that Blofelt stroked his Persian cat in James Bond movies. Masafumi Takatori had hit his head quite hard on his way down the ugly tree, or had been dropped on his head as a child, and he was convinced that Hirofumi was one of those children that heavily overcompensates to make his father notice him.

Together they made Schuldig nauseous.

It was a wonder that they had actually sat working, as opposed to plotting, long enough to get as far as they had.

Crawford was stood next to the killer koala and future prime minister and was patiently practising his poker face to stop himself yawning at the old man's conversation. Only a telepath could recognise that, because it looked to all purposes that Crawford was paying acute attention to the security around the party. On the invitation it had said an intimate family gathering, and Schuldig supposed it was if your family had over five hundred members, some of whom weren't related to you at all but happened to be powerful in politics.

Crawford emptied the glass of champagne in his hand and sighed, and Schuldig knew it was going to be a long night.

* * *

Schoen slid open the window to the Schwarz safehouse as quietly as she planned, her beloved Masafumi assured her that all four members were required at his father's party tonight so she and Hell had agreed to this covert mission, "Get Todt the kitten." Todt had complained that it wasn't fair that Omi had a kitten and then Nagi had got a kitten and no one had got her one, of course with the way that Todt smothered Rabbi-chan it was unlikely anyone would get her one. She had whined, then she pouted, then she outright squalled when Neu came up with the perfect solution. Schoen and Hell, being the quietest, would steal Nagi's kitten, Crawford would demand it back and with broken hearts they would comply.

Tonight was the perfect night, they were all absent at Takatori's party, and the kitten was alone.

* * *

Crawford drained what might have been his fourth glass of champagne and decided it might be more fun to count the women in black. It was insane, all of these society women were all dressed the same. Aya was far more lovely than all of these women. He jerked his eyes away from the woman he was inadvertently staring at. "Kuso," he swore under his breath as the woman smiled and began to walk over to him, "not quick enough." He grabbed another glass of champagne from the waiter as he walked past and prepared to grin and bear it.

* * *

Farfarello stirred briefly at the strange sound, then looked at the kitten snoring on his lap, "feck," he said for good measure then went back to sleep in his chair.

* * *

Aya carefully laid Mihana down in her crib and switched on the lullaby lightshow listening to the patient soft music and watching the lights as they danced across the ceiling, a fluffy white sheep caught his attention and he thought for a moment of Farfarello, not sure why the sheep had reminded him of the Irish man. Then his thoughts went to Crawford and how soon he would see him again, and how nice it was to sit and drink coffee with him and just talk. But also how his kisses tasted of cinnamon.

The sheep was circling and the music was soothing.

Before Aya knew what had happened, he was fast asleep.

Mihana, however, was immune.

* * *

Schoen crept into the kitchen of the Schwarz safehouse making sure her felt shoes made no sound on the tile. Behind her Hell was whining, "I don't see why it takes two of us to borrow a kitten, and why are we being quiet, the house is empty? Ooh," she stopped in front of a full length mirror and smoothed out the lines of her cat suit, "damn," she said tilting her head and checking her reflection's hair, "I look fine."

If Schoen had been an anime character she would have sweat dropped.

* * *

Yamasa Nikia was doing her best to escape the dark haired American that was currently doing his best to regale her with what he considered to be a funny story but after what she counted as six glasses of champagne it was garbled and not very amusing at all. "And so I said "you're my woman dammit." He emptied another flute of champagne. "and she still said no."

"I really must be going, Crawford-san." She said trying to extricate herself from the drunken American. She touched her grey hair as she looked over his shoulder to see if she could see anyone who could rescue her.

"But I adore my Aya." He continued completely ignoring her, "and when we spend time together she says that she likes me, she gives me a shy smile and says daisuki da yo."

She raised her arm and looked at her bare wrist, "have you seen the time, I really shouldn't linger."

"And she's so striking." Crawford continued regardless, "and her kisses taste like strawberries, and are all the sweeter for having to be stolen." He said picking up another flute of champagne as the waiter walked past.

Yamasa-san looked around and caught the eye of Takatori-san's other gaijin body guard and cleared mouthed the words "help me."

* * *

Having finally pried Hell away from the mirror Schoen opened the first of the four doors to the bedrooms. Inside the room was a horror of mess, clothes heaped upon magazines heaped upon damp (and in some cases mouldy) towels with miscellaneous shoes and several cardboard boxes. Hell looked over her shoulder at the room, "schuldig," she said.

The second room was immaculate and was painted in a rich deep red but the ceiling was white. There was a gold brocade throw on the bed, and the floor boards were polished to a dull sheen. Even the furniture was carefully chosen and complemented the room, in fact despite it's size the room looked like it would belong in a stately home. "Crawford." They said together.

The third room was probably the largest and was painted black but the walls were covered in band posters for artists with names like "eat the pregnant," "the nine inch nails" and "survival of the sickest." A huge expanse of black boxes and wires dominated one wall, it also seemed to have pets that had crept away from leads. Instead of curtains there was a blind with a jolly roger motif. There was a single bed with "gundam wing" bedcovers and a small pile of plushies sat on a wicker chair that would have looked more at home in Crawford's room. There was also a small plaid cat basket. "Nagi." They said together. Todt's room was much more childish, it was painted pink and decorated with little ponies with designs on their bottoms.

There was no sign of the kitten.

They opened the fourth door a little more warily, it had to be Farfarello's.

At the Schreiend safehouse they had had discussions as to what they expected of Farfarello's room, the general consensus had favoured padded wall paper and carpet. The actuality was very different, rather than wallpaper the walls were covered with a very fake looking wood panelling, there was a dark carpet covered in pale pink flowers. There was a battered sofa in front of a bed with a floral print. Over the bed, and dominating the room was a print of a race horse. In the corner, in a wing arm chair was a white haired man and sitting on his lap was a small grey kitten.

As a single golden eye opened Farfarello expressed the thoughts of the two members of Schreiend with a single word "feck."

* * *

"Come on, Crawford." Schuldig said leading him to the small red car. Normally on these missions he was led to the car by Crawford the designated driver but every now and again the stultifying boredom meant that Crawford had dipped into the trays of champagne.

"Wanna go see Aya." Crawford said flopping down on the car seat. If Schuldig hadn't counted the ten flutes of champagne that Crawford had drank in rapid succession he would have known because Crawford was talking in English. And asking to see his arch enemy.

"Why do you want to see Abyssinian?" Schuldig asked making sure the seat belt was fastened.

"Not, Abba, abbass," he thought about it, taking off his glasses, "Aya."

"Crawford, you're in no fit state to see him, let's get you home and into bed, and you can sleep off the bubbles." Schuldig climbed into the car beside him, belting himself in.

Crawford put his hand on his forehead, "I've had a vision." He said capriciously, "we have to go to the Koneko, Nagi's in danger."

"And this has nothing to do with the fact that you want to see Abyssinian?" Schuldig rolled his eyes, he didn't like being in Crawford's position, it was strange and frankly unsettling.

"Not at all," Crawford answered, not slurring at all. "Now onwards, my good man." He said pointing. "Rally ho."

Schuldig lowered his head into his hands and sighed.

* * *

Ken woke with a start at the scream that ripped through the Koneko. He jumped to his feet and pulled on his sweat pants as he ran up the stairs two at a time and threw open the door to Omi's room with a exclamation of "Omittchi."

Omi sat up on the bed wide eyed and startled. "KenKen?" He asked with a yawn as Ken climbed over the bed to wrap his arms about the boy as Yohji hung from the door frames. "It's all right, akachan," Ken said forcing him against his muscular chest to try and contain the sobs that always accompanied Omi's nightmares.

"We're here, Omittchi." Yohji said sitting on the side of the bed and putting his hand on Omi's head.

"But I'm not crying." Omi said looking around wide eyed and startled.

In fact the screaming was continuing unabated, then there was a quiet murmur and it stopped, slowly, and it was followed by a male voice softly singing. They carefully, and as quiet as assassins, crept down the stairs, Aya was stood over the crib with the baby in his arms as Nagi helped him rearranging the blankets over the crib and setting a large grey donkey with plush ears and only one eye, that appeared to have seen better years into the corner as Aya rocked the baby and sang softly to her.

" _And maybe you'll find me_

 _a sailor, a tailor_

 _and maybe together_

 _we'll make mother well_

 _I went to the meadow,_

 _and milk wood and silk wood_

 _and you would, if I would_

 _but you never will."_

Nagi lifted a blanket from the bed and draped it around Aya's shoulder as he sat back on Aya's austere sofa as the rest of the Weiss assassins stood in awe and wondered for the umpteenth time where Aya had gotten so good with babies.

* * *

Author's note:

TCM in answer to your request, this is a PG13 fic, however I might be entreated to putting an NC17 moment on my web site. Really with reviews, flattery will get you everywhere. (There already is one called Bombay Sapphire) Before anyone mentions my odd German spelling of things, I have become massively fond of my online German dictionary , and a friend who speaks German who told me what she thought they meant. So, Tot is going to be Todt, Schreint is going to be Schreiend and Esset is going to be ß, which is actually more difficult to put in. I have an online Japanese dictionary as well, looks smug. I have to ask though, why German? NGE is the same.

Lullabye Light shows, Fisher Price's bane for baby sitters everywhere.

Learning Japanese with Seraphim Grace

Aya's Lullaby was an excerpt from the lovely "Horses" by Tori Amos, which struck me as being a perfect lullaby kind of song.

Akachan - baby eg akachan to boku, baby and me.


	6. Unexpected house guests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 6

Part 6

* * *

Crawford was drunk. It had happened before, but rarely enough that it was worth mentioning and he had given Schuldig a headache with it.

He stood outside the Koneko in a dark wet alley and took his glasses off, slipping them into the pocket of his tuxedo, his bow tie loose about his neck and his top button undone, he cast his arms back as he looked at the lit window and the figure within as Schuldig lowered his head and wondered if he could drive away without noticing.

Casting his head back he began to sing. "Let me entertain you, let me make you smile."

The figure on the third floor slid open the window and out popped a shaggy blonde head waving a cigarette. "Next window," he said before closing it again.

Crawford moved along to the next window on the fire-escape, this one was on the second floor. "Aya." He shouted, the sash window opened with a slam.

"What?" A delectable red head popped out, glaring at the figure in the street.

" _Let me entertain you,  
_ _let me make you smile  
_ _let me do a few tricks  
_ _some old and some new tricks  
_ _I'm very versatile."_

There was a moment of absolute shock before the window closed again.

It didn't stop Crawford singing though loudly and perfectly in tune.

" _And if you're real good  
_ _I'll make you feel good  
_ _I want your spirits to climb  
_ _So let me entertain you  
_ _And we'll have a real good time, yes sir  
_ _We'll have a real good time."_

The back door opened and Aya looked around before he opened the door wide, "get in," he hissed, "this is a respectable neighbourhood." He grabbed Crawford by the arm and dragged him inside. As he stumbled he landed in Aya's arms as they fell backwards into the hallway.

Schuldig just stepped over them. "He's drunk." He said as he went into the kitchen, "he said he had a vision, but I think he just wanted to torture you."

Aya managed to get out from under Crawford by rolling him unto his back, then offered him a hand to help him stand. He was obviously embarrassed. "As if I don't have enough on my plate with the baby."

"Is she pretty?" Schuldig asked as he poured himself a glass of cordial from the side and a bottle of water from the fridge. "I know nothing about babies, but I thoroughly believe that there is no greater tragedy than an ugly baby."

Aya blinked at him. "She's beautiful." He said aghast as Crawford plopped down on the sofa in the main living room. "Look, not that I mind at all," the sarcasm was palpable in his voice at that comment, "but why are you here?"

"He had a vision." Schuldig said in the same dripping sarcastic tone, "he also had twelve flutes of champagne and wouldn't go home."

Aya looked at Crawford with a single eyebrow raised, he had worked for months on that expression after seeing Leonard Nimoy on an American rerun and had thought that it looked nicely querying, then he looked at Schuldig with both raised as Nagi came down the stairs with Mihana in her arms. "Aya-san," he said quietly, "she won't settle. Are you coming back upstairs?" Then he looked around. "Schuldig, it was you singing?"

"What are you doing up at this hour?" Crawford said from where he had made himself comfortable lying supine on the sofa, "it's long past your bedtime, Naoe."

Nagi flinched. "I was helping Aya-san with the baby." Nagi said with his eyes lowered.

"It's all right, Nagi-kun." Aya said moving between him and the voice from the dark room, he lifted Mihana. She had been put in a romper suit in a pale lemon yellow with a pair of bunny ears, but her face was screwed up and she was crying. He rested her against his chest, bouncing her in his arms. She was sobbing, but had stopped screaming. "We'll change her and give her something to eat and then you take her upstairs and go to sleep with her in my bed. Do you want some hot milk?" Nagi shook his head as he got out the diaper bag.

"Well, I'll save the young lady her dignity." Schuldig said moving into the parlour where Crawford was lain across the sofa in the remnants of his tuxedo, looking for all the world like a young Dean Martin.

"I can't in good conscience send you back to the safehouse with him in that state, you can stay here tonight as long as you promise not to murder us in our sleep, I'm not going to go back to sleep, Schuldig, there's a bed made up in the exercise room, which is the second room on the right," he enunciated that clearly, "you can bed down in there. I'll sit up with Crawford."

He came back out with Nagi beside him with Mihana in the boy's arms. "I have to ask," Nagi said, "Let me entertain you?" Crawford was laying across the sofa now, his head hanging over the arm, his mouth wide as he snored, his arm falling off the sofa like a corpse's. "I won't forget, Oracle." He said with a smile, hefting the baby in his arms. "And I will ask you in the morning." He turned to the bright haired telepath beside him, "come on, Schuldig, I'll show you where you're sleeping tonight."

Aya arranged Crawford so he lay more comfortably on the sofa, tugging off his shoes and removing his tie completely before putting a blanket over him, then making sure no one was about, he stole a kiss from the open lips and murmured to himself, "Let me entertain you?"

* * *

In the exercise room, although a bit worried at his enemy's hospitality, Schuldig stripped down to his underwear and climbed into Nagi's futon to sleep.

* * *

Meanwhile in another part of the city Farfarello stared at the two members of Schreient who stared back. It was like a Mexican stand off, neither moving for fear of retribution from the other. Although Farfarello was more than capable of taking one of them out he wasn't sure of his ability to take out both and both were uncertain of their ability to move he inspired them with that much fear. Curled on his shoulder the kitten watched what happened with only a modicum of interest before it mewled and started licking it's feet.

"Look," Schoen said standing back slowly, "we'll leave, you didn't see us, we didn't steal the kitten."

"Kittens hurt god." Farfarello said, "stealing kittens help god." He raised his eyebrow over his single golden eye. "You did not steal Taiki," he ran his callused finger along the grey fur of the kitten as it purred. "But this is Nagi's kitten, and Nagi is not here to protect his kitten." He eyed them warily, "and you would give the kitten to Todt, would you not?"

Schoen slowly nodded, all the colour had run from Hell's face.

"Giving kittens to Todt would hurt Taiki," he grinned showing a row of sharp pointed teeth, "hurting Taiki would hurt Nagi," he continued, "Hurting Nagi would help god."

"We only wanted to borrow him." Schoen said, "until Crawford asked for him back, it was a win-win situation." She said, Hell was now checking her nails, "we get to keep Todt quiet with a kitten we don't have to keep. Where is Nagi? He might let us borrow him for a while."

"Nagi is at a sleep over." Farfarello answered calmly. "With some boys from school. He asked me to keep his kitten safe and to make sure that he was fed." He ran his eye over the two members of Schreient.

"Well," Schoen said putting her hand on Hell's arm, "we will be leaving, we just wanted to ask him, he's not here. Uhm," she tried to take a step backwards. "We'll call back tomorrow, pass our love to Crawford."

Farfarello smiled again, a silent and sinister smile that slowly slid across his face. "Perhaps we can come to an arrangement." He said in a fair facsimile of Crawford. "I have a sudden hankering for black tea with milk, go on," he said nodding towards the kitchen, "go on," he nodded again, "and milk for the kitten." He added.

* * *

Omi opened his eye in the dark and listened to the silence in the flower shop before he slid out of his bed. He stopped again to make sure no one had heard him. Everything was silent. He slid across the room and opened the door a crack and waited again. Content that no one had noticed him he padded down the hall, past Yohji's room and then stopped at the top of the stairs. This is where it got dangerous. It was here when he ran into the realm of Aya and things would get complicated.

He slid down the banister and landed with a soft thump, and then crept cat like down the hall to the exercise room. He slid open the pocket door observing the sleeping lump in the futon where it lay. The grin that spread over his features would have appeared to any observers as distinctly un-Omi-like.

* * *

Aya sat watching Crawford sleep with a certain awe. He had never really considered that Crawford slept, it was something that he knew must happen but it didn't really strike him that it would. He had snuggled down into the blanket in such a way that he was almost in the foetal position and sucking on his thumb. Aya reached out with a wary hand and pushed the stray lock of hair away from his foreahead.

" _Twice or thrice had I loved thee_ ," he said patiently in quiet whispery English, " _before I knew thy face or name;  
_ _so in a voice, so in a shapeless flame,  
_ _Angels affect us oft, and worshipped be;  
_ _Still when, to where thou wert, I came,  
_ _Some lovely glorious nothing I did see  
_ _But since my soul, whose child love is,  
_ _takes limbs of flesh, and else could nothing do  
_ _More subtle than the parent is  
_ _Love must not be, but take a body too  
_ _And therefore what thou wert, and who,  
_ _I bid love ask, and now  
_ _That it assume thy body I allow  
_ _And fix itself in they lip, eye and brow_." He reached forward to steal a second kiss as the scream rocked through the flower shop.

* * *

Omi slid into the futon with the still figure and then snuggled up against his back, thinking that Nagi must have prepared for him joining him because he was wearing a rather strong aftershave.

"Nagi," he murmured, just loud enough to wake him and not Aya who was in the next room, probably sharpening his katana and listening to any strange noises from the exercise room. The figure turned over and instead of large innocent blue eyes he stared into wry green ones. It wasn't Nagi he had got into bed with, it was Schuldig. He screamed.

* * *

Author's Note:

Let me entertain you is From Stephen Sondheim's musical Gypsy and is sung by Gypsy Rose Lee as the song she sings when she strips, and it has such double entendre instead of lyrics. Crawford nearly found himself singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera Michael Crawford geddit? but then I remembered this little gem and knew it was the one. It was so much more evil to do it and I know I've barely picked on Mr Crawford and believe me I'll make up for it. Aya's poem is Air and Angels by John Donne.

TCM gave me the idea for this little twist. Omi is so never going to live it down either.

Also this isn't the only time I'm picking on Schuldig in the Weiss house. Remember no one knows he's there only Aya, and well Omi now.


	7. Why you should lock the bathroom door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 7

Part 7

* * *

"He got into bed with me." Schuldig explained quickly, looking at the four pairs of assassin's eyes that were giving him a rather deadly look. Omi was happily staying out of this. "I'd never do anything, Nagi would twist me into a pretzel." There was a crunching sound as Nagi cracked the knuckles of both hands by rolling his hands with his fingers interlocked, it was quite a disturbing sight. Crawford looked half asleep, Yohji's glare was worth mentioning, and Ken was picking at his nails and looking up every now and again but Aya's glare needed a hunting license in most states of the US. Schuldig may not have recognised it for what it was but he was being treated to a full factor five Shi-ne glare. "And Crawford would shoot me, Omi's jail bait, I mean underage." He looked around them in panic. It was it, he was going to die. Crawford half asleep was just a good a shot as Crawford wide awake, wide awake he could negotiate. "Come on, kiddo, back me up."  
Omi's wide blue eyes managed to get larger as the group of irate assassins turned to him. "I did get into bed with him." He looked at Nagi who was frowning, and then Aya who was loudly seething. "But it was Schuldig's mind control."  
Schuldig yelped. As his hair was suddenly pulled in multiple directions. "Nagi, I can't do that in my sleep." He said trying to move his head to accommodate the tugging. "I wouldn't, Nagi, would kill me." He flicked his eyes to Crawford who didn't know about Nagi and Omi, "Bombay's his to torment, and I might have traumatised him. I didn't mean to." He jerked his head again, "Nagi, let go of my hair."  
"No." Nagi said.  
Aya had started polishing his sword which gave a long screaming noise. Mihana was sleeping upstairs.  
"It was a misunderstanding." Schuldig protested. "Honest."  
"What are you doing here?" Omi asked, "I mean, imagine waking up to you, I could be traumatised, I might have to go see the Kritiker psychiatrist."  
"Crawford got drunk and had a vision." Aya growled in a tone that only dogs should be able to hear. "They were in no state to go home, I let them stay."  
"So…" Omi left it open.  
"I wasn't going back to bed so I let Nagi stay in my bed."  
"You let Nagi into your bed?" Crawford asked, finally deciding to be part of the conversation.  
"I wasn't in it at the time." Aya said, "I was down here with you. I sent him to bed with Mihana."  
"And who is she?" Crawford was paying as much attention as he could throw several large glasses of champagne, the bubbles were obviously confusing him. "Is she one of the buxom Kritiker secretaries, because Nagi's only fifteen." He stopped, "I remember when he was really little."  
"Crawford, Mihana's six months old, she's just a baby." Aya said quietly, patting him on the hand, "and Nagi was in my bed with the baby and George, his donkey, because you woke them up, that's all." His voice had gone from polishing his sword to gently fond, "and he's still your baby, now go back to sleep so I can kill the German for attempting to get Omi into bed."  
"But I'm more likely to get in bed with Nagi, Omi's not as likely to kill me as genki me to death." Schuldig protested.  
"Try it and I'll tell Far that you're as Catholic as the pope." Crawford managed, "if you lay a hand on him, and that you hold mass in your room and that you sing hymns."  
"Aren't you laying it on a bit thick?" Aya asked, turning to look at Crawford where he was draped over the sofa.  
"Wanna make sure." Crawford said with a huge yawn, "Far sometimes gets bored and doesn't finish, but don't wanna 'ave bleeding German in kitchen on tiles, making floor slippy."  
"Go back to sleep." Aya said, patting him on the thigh, "I'll kill them and no one will ever touch Nagi like that, ever, okay."  
"Okay," Crawford said, rolling over unto his side.  
"He's sobering up." Schuldig said, "not enough to actually kill me."  
"All right, Omi," Aya said, "he's asleep, tell me the truth."  
Omi flushed, he looked at Schuldig's new spiky hair do and the occasional mutters of "Itai." He looked at Nagi who looked about to remove Schuldig's hairs one by one.  
"You tried to get into bed with Nagi, didn't you?" Aya asked calmly, "but you didn't know that he was in my bed and not his own, because Schuldig was staying over, so you snuck past Yohji and Ken to get into bed with him and found yourself staring at Mastermind."  
"Yes," Omi admitted, on the verge of tears, "and I thought you'd kill me, and if you didn't it would be Crawford because he doesn't know. I'm sorry, Schuldig, I had to."  
"I think you've been punished enough. I know your intentions were genuine," Aya said, "at least I can assume your intentions were genuine." He added a glare that suggested that they really had best have been. "Now apologise to Schuldig, apologise to Nagi, and then go to bed, your own bed!" He stood up. Omi gave a round of apologies and went to bed with his head down. "Nagi, you can let go of Schuldig's hair now, I will explain to Crawford that it was just a misunderstanding, now go to bed, both of you, try and get some sleep, you've got till the count of three before I go from understanding Aya to homicidal Aya."  
"Ichi," the two of them scrambled to their feet and ran up the stairs. "ni," he sniggered to himself, and then put his head down next to Crawford's thigh and went to sleep himself.

Crawford woke from a really good sleep, one of those that you only really get when you're drunk and you feel safe. Aya was leaning against his thigh, looking up at him. "Welcome to the world of the living." Aya said fondly, "when you go to the bathroom, make sure to lock the door, Yohji just barges in if the door's not locked."

Schuldig awoke from a deep sleep in which he was being chased by plush Pokemon warriors each of which had red hair and pointy swords. He'd had some strange dreams before but this one was a trick.  
He yawned, scratching his head and walked across the hall into the empty bathroom. Closing the door he started the shower, stepping under the hot water.

Yoji woke up slowly and without waiting to finish the process stepped into the next room to have a shower. He always did his best waking up in the shower.  
He yanked back the curtain and stepped into the tray.  
"Oi," Schuldig said with an angry glare. "This is my shower, come back in a bit."  
"Uhn?" Yohji managed, the shower had never talked to him before.  
"You really are easy, aren't you." he looked at him, "Now look into my eyes." He did what he considered his best mesmer stare. "Get the hell out of the bathroom till I finish my shower."

Crawford looked at the ceiling which shouted at them.  
"Looks like Schuldig found out the hard way about locking the door." Aya said, pouring out the tea.

* * *

Author's Note

Look I didn't forget this story, I know it's meant to be before Xmas but I wanted Xmas to actually come out at Christmas, strangely, I know the idea itself is revolutionary, but you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

There's only a few more chapters in this one, and then you can join the poll, which one's next

An assassin and White Wedding, featuring the tale of Prince Xiao-Ming who wants to marry Aya-chan Fujimiya as the sole heir of her parents fortune but there's just one small impediment, he's kind of gotten her confused with Omi.

Or

An Assassin and White Porsche; in which a famous American businessman has a problem with a certain other American businessman, thinking that he might be cheating because he can predict the Dow Index with remarkable clarity, almost as if he could see the future. Of course, when it's the CEO of Wayne Enterprises things never go as smoothly as they should.


	8. my jimjams are like a shield of steel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 8

Part 8

* * *

You're Katana cannot hurt me for my jimjams are like a shield of steel

* * *

Nagi came down the stairs just behind Omi with the baby in his arms. She was wide-awake despite the fact it still was quite early, and Nagi had only one eye open. Crawford and Aya were at the kitchen table looking remarkably alert as they held matching glasses of orange juice. Aya smiled when he saw the baby, standing up and taking her from Nagi's arms. "And how's Mi-chan?" He said as she gave him a great open-mouthed grin. "Is that Mi-chan?" He blew a raspberry at her, to his amusement she blew one back, waving her hands at his face, slapping her palms on his shoulders and chin. "That's Mi-chan."

"That's actually quite disturbing." Crawford said into his orange, "you've turned into a woman." He shook his head, "worse than that you've turned into a child's television presenter, garish sweater and all. And to think I was almost scared of you at one point."

"Maybe you foresaw this?" Omi said pulling down a box of sugarcoated breakfast cereal "sugar puffs?" He asked Nagi who nodded. He poured out two bowls and put them on the table.

"You just need to get to know her." Aya said, pulling faces at the baby who had managed to grab him by the ear tails and was pulling and making loud noises of delight.

Crawford stood up and looked at her. She grabbed his glasses, waving them about like a new toy. "She's just a baby." Aya said peacefully, "she doesn't know better."

Mihana made a string of strange baby syllables at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that." Crawford said dryly, "I don't speak monkey.1"

Mihana burst out laughing again, letting Aya take the glasses and put them down on the sideboard as the baby started making the slapping motions at Crawford.

"Here," Aya said handing him the baby, "take her, and I'll make some breakfast."

Crawford looked genuinely scared for a moment as the child attacked his hair, pulling and smiling, drooling down her chin. "She's heavier than she looks." He turned around and saw Nagi, "You take her." Nagi took her and settled her on his lap; she grabbed his spoon and started banging it on the table.

"She likes you, Crawford-san." Omi said brightly. "Much better than she likes Yotan."

"Are you saying, Crawford," Aya said from behind them, "you've never held a baby before?" he sounded amused by this.

"And where did you get so good with babies?" Crawford asked, indignant.

"That, Crawford, is a very long story." Aya answered.

"That's all you're getting." Omi said, "that's all any of us have got no matter how we ask. I was thinking of hacking to find out."

"You could just ask." Aya said with a smile.

"We've all asked, Ayan," Omi answered, "you tell us it's a long story and then never tell us the story."

Aya's smile was mysterious and rather smug, "you know, don't you, Mi-chan," he said tickling the baby under the chin, "I told you because we had time, didn't we, akachan."

"K'fee." Yohji said. He was wearing a pair of pyjamas- a pair of lime green gingham pyjamas to be precise.

"Yohji," Aya asked from the stove. "What are you wearing?"

Yohji held out his hand for the cup as he sat at the table. "Omi got me some jimjams."

"They're horrible." Aya said with a tired snort.

"Don't rub it in." Yohji said climbing in beside Aya, "I don't normally wear anything to bed."

"Then why did you?" Aya answered.

"Because Nagi was here." He answered, "I worried about how this would go down, you'll kill me if I came down naked, or even just got up in the middle of the night for a pee. So these are the horrid neon green gingham pyjamas of deflection." It very almost made sense. "Your katana cannot hurt me, because my jimjams are like a shield of steel."

Aya sniggered, "They'd blind me before I got close. Omi, do you have pyjamas tucked away for me too?"

"They're all right, they're solid navy blue with black piping, if they would have fit I would have stolen them," Yohji buried his face in the coffee cup that Aya offered them, "but Ken's have puppies on them."

"I'm in a kitchen with a baby called Mi-chan, half of Schwarz." Aya said, "and a man in radioactive pyjamas, I can't complain. Crawford, would you just take photos to blackmail us with rather than kill us, or go blind from the glare of his pyjamas."

"Maybe Omi's colour-blind." Crawford said.

"No," Aya said with a grin, "Maybe he thought that it would be funny to buy you the world's ugliest pyjamas for when you were in hospital and had no choice but to wear them."

"The instant the department store opens later," Yohji said, he was as determined as a man with a mission, "I am getting nicer pyjamas."

"Anything would be better." Aya said. He put several plates on the table heaped high with western food, "If I wasn't so jaded, I'd say that I'd be scarred for life."

"Aya," Yohji said into the dark.

"Yes," Aya answered, he was looking incredibly smug.

"Shut up." Aya only laughed.

"Hey, Crawford, when you kill me, don't tell anyone he did that, and please…"

"I won't bury you in the pyjamas." Crawford said in the same smug tone.

"I was going to say let me get dressed first, imagine some hot coroner unzipping my body bag to be greeted with these." He sat up, pulling out the pyjama shirt, "the state doesn't pay enough for that. In fact I think they might be against the Geneva Convention as cruel and unusual punishment. It's worse than being found in women's underwear."

Aya laughed. "Nagi, is that enough for you?" he asked, "Yotan?" Yohji nodded. "Is Ken up?"

"Now there's a euphemism if ever I heard one." Yohji answered with a naughty leer.

Aya batted him with a dishcloth. "I'll kill you in the pyjamas, and I'll send photos out to all of your grieving widows and widowers that minna no Kudoh Yohji sleeps in toxic green pyjamas."

"That's one way to scare off the competition." Yohji said, pulling a robe over the offending clothing.

* * *

Ken came into the kitchen wearing a pair of soccer shorts and a smile. He didn't notice anyone in the kitchen, or the food on the table and bent over in the fridge rooting around for the last slice of American cheese that he knew he had left in there. "Ahem," Aya said. He turned around, "Omi?" He asked. Then blinked. "I'm blind, Yohji, do they come with a dimmer switch?" He looked around the room, "okay, I knew Nagi was here, and I kind of remember the baby, but," he did a mental countdown, "why is Crawford here in a tuxedo that looks like he fought world war two in?"

Nagi's face was perfectly straight as he said in an even tone, "he wanted to entertain you." Crawford went bright red, it only lasted a moment however. Aya sniggered.

"I don't get it." Ken said.

"When Crawford has too much to drink he sings show tunes." Aya said blithely as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "and he was singing let me entertain you."

Ken blinked, then he blinked again, and then he said, "you are now entering the twilight zone, I'm going back to bed."

"You can't," Omi said with a winning smile, "you're on morning shift."

"No, I'm not." Ken answered, "Aya is."

"Aya's not working in the shop while he's got the baby, remember." Omi said, his grin was getting rather smug Ken noticed. "And it's your turn to cover."

Ken swore. Nagi put his hands over Mihana's ears in shock.

"Crawford, why don't you go see if the shower's free, you can borrow some of my clothes." Aya said, warming water over a pan so he could feed the baby.

"They won't fit him," Ken said, "help yourself to mine, we're about the same width in the shoulders."

* * *

And so it was that when Crawford went home he was wearing a pair of Aya's jeans and a football jersey and hoping that no one he knew would ever see him.

* * *

Author's Note:

1 I know, I know this is from Lemony Snicket, but I love it, it's so cute, it's so Crawford. What you expected him to be good with children too?


	9. girls like violent video games too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 9- What do you mean the game's too violent for me?

Part 9- What do you mean the game's too violent for me?

* * *

Aya looked around to see if anyone else was even going to answer the phone where it was ringing. He looked at Mihana who was happily crawling across the floor and making havoc. It didn't matter nothing was breakable and she was yet to hurt herself so she could make as much mess as she liked, he knew he'd only tidy it up later anyway, and it made it look like the kind of house four bachelors actually shared. He picked up the headset, and rolled his eyes, "Kon'nichi wa, koneko no sumu ie desu." Of all the things that Omi had said would help with the Koneko this was the most detested, having to be polite to strangers he couldn't even glare at.

"It's all right, Ran, it's me." Crawford said down the line, "I was phoning to make sure that we were okay to meet this evening."

"I don't know," Aya answered as Mihana used his leg to pull herself into a standing position, "I've got the baby, and I can't imagine that you want me to bring her."

"Hell no," Crawford said, "isn't there a happy compromise we can reach? We haven't had any time alone all week." It was pleasantly wheedling, "and I got tickets to the violin recital."

Aya pursed his lips, Crawford knew exactly what to say to make him reconsider things. "We need a baby-sitter." He said blankly, "and I can't think of one, unless you want to ask Princess Ouka."

"Dear heavens above no," Crawford answered, "she'd most likely drop the baby, what about Omi?"

"I don't want to leave him on his own with her. I mean sure she'd most likely just sleep but she's only a baby and he's not much better."

"What if I bully Nagi into joining him?" Crawford answered.

"And have two babies looking after her?" Aya asked as an answer.

"The alternative doesn't bear thinking about, I could ask Farfarello."

"Now you're just teasing." Aya answered calmly, "and I would not even consider Balinese, she keeps being sick on him and I'm not sure he knows how to hold her. Fine, Omi and Nagi can look after her, but I'm not staying out late, okay, I want back by midnight."

He could feel rather than see Crawford smirking down the phone line, "certainly not, now what kind of gentleman would I be if it didn't have you back by bedtime?"

"Crawford, sometimes I think the only times you have me back for bedtime is when I invite you, and then you run off." Aya answered, wedging the headset between his ear and shoulder and picking Mihana up. "I'll meet you at seven thirty, make sure that Nagi's here for seven, okay."

"I will," Crawford answered, "don't you think it's worrying that you trust Nagi better with her than the others."

"The kid's a natural." Aya answered.

"He just has practise." Crawford said, "from when he was in the orphanage, before I adopted him."

"If you're trying to get me to pay him more it's not working, they're getting two thousand yen each and that's final."

"You're going to pay them?" Crawford asked, shocked, "hell, that'll be a surprise to the pair of them."

Aya laughed, "all right, I'll see you later."

Holding Mihana comfortably he went into the kitchen where Omi was making tea, and he thanked whatever deity looked after assassins Nemesis goddess of retribution, ed. that he wasn't in the shop, he really didn't want to have to face that any time soon.

* * *

"Omi," he dragged the syllables out much like Ken did when he wanted Omi to do his computer work.

"What?" Omi asked. "We don't have a mission so I'm not doing any research that you are perfectly capable of doing yourself." He had obviously fallen into that trap once or twice before. Then he turned around, "Aya?"

"I need a favour," Aya said bluntly, "and you're the only one I trust with it, so to make it fair, although Nagi's gone back to the dark side I'm willing to let him stay over for one more night, when I'm not in." He enunciated the last phrase very carefully.

"What's the catch?" Omi asked, crossing his arms, "there is no way you'd let me have the house to myself with my boyfriend unless I had to do something truly nasty first."

Aya grinned, "I have to go out this evening, and I need a short notice baby sitter for Mi-chan." He bounced her on his hip to prove his point. "And Yohji's going out, not that I'd trust him with her anyway, and Ken has that motorcycle thing, which leaves you in the house on your own, and I'd rather have Nagi here than not." Omi raised an eyebrow. "I'll pay."

"You want to leave me here with the baby whilst you go out?" Omi asked.

"I'll be back by midnight, which means you and Nagi have the house to yourself till then." Aya explained.

"and you're willing to leave me alone with my boyfriend and the baby?"

"You're the only people capable of managing it." Aya answered.

"And Crawford's cool with it?" Omi pressed, "I mean, him not knowing about me and Nagi and all."

"I asked him before I asked you," Aya lied, quite happily omitting the detail that it had been Crawford's suggestion, although as Omi had said, Crawford didn't know, he seemed to think they were just best friends. Then again any mention of Nagi growing up was usually met with tears and outright denials. It didn't matter to Crawford that he had trained Nagi to be an assassin, but you mention that he might at some point get a girl, or boyfriend, and his eye started twitching.

"All right, " Omi said warily, "but I want her fed, watered, and changed before you go, spare bottles made up in the fridge and that you take your mobile with you in case."

"Fine," Aya answered, because he had been ready to impress those details on Omi, he was beginning to wonder who was the more mothering of the group.

"Are you going out with Crawford?" Omi asked with a worrying glint in his eyes.

"No," Aya answered blithely though it was a complete out and out lie. "I'm going out with Yuushi of Crashers, he got tickets for a concert I wanted to see but it's a last minute thing."

"Sure." Omi said sarcastically. "Not Crawford."

"Not at all." Aya answered though it was obvious that Omi really did not believe him. "Now, Nagi's coming over at seven."

Omi glanced up at the clock. Then he swore, "I've got hours of my shift left and I was going to go shopping this afternoon, there's this new program out that I really need."

Aya took the hint, holding out his hand, "what's it called?"

"Breath of Fire 7." Omi answered, blithely handing Aya the money he needed.

"Do you want to look after her whilst I pop out for you?"

"Can't," Omi answered with a grin, "I'm working in the shop." He waved, "bai bai, and bai bai, Mi-chan."

"Shi-ne, Tsukiyono, Shi-ne."

* * *

It was about that point that Aya got the idea. If he went out as he was, in sweat pants and a simple tee he would get mobbed by the middleaged ladies again, however, he did still have quite a few of Murasakiiro's clothes in his wardrobe and she wouldn't get attacked by women trying to set him up with their daughters. No, he thought, especially if I put a ring on my hand, they'll assume I'm just a young mother out with her baby, and then it came, the true revelation, they'll leave me alone.

He carried Mi-chan upstairs and then stripped pulling on a pair of rather feminine looking pants with sakura blossoms crawling up the side, the bra he fastened at the front and twisted around the way that Omi had shown him, he knew that his sister just reached around and did it that way but he was pretty sure his elbows didn't bend like that, and then a pale rose coloured sweater with a v neck. He put the mate he had had made of his earring in, and then slipped a rather large diamond ring that Akimoto-san had given him in Kyoto on his hand, pulling on some pink trainers he looked at himself in the mirror. A swipe of lipstick , a blob of gel in his hair to make it sit in a more feminine style and no one would ever know he wasn't Mihana's mother. For the first time since the mission Aya was glad he had a wardrobe of women's clothes.

He put Mihana in the car-seat and then buckled himself in, thinking, just how hard can it be to buy one simple computer game?

In the months following his Kyoto mission Aya had forgot none of the lessons of how to walk like a lady, although this was hampered by the pushchair, but the muscled brute that had offered to help him get the pushchair out of the boot of his Porsche, that was another matter. He looked at Aya like he was a piece of meat, a piece of meat with a really nice car.

Then there was the security guard who offered to help him carry Mihana up over the one step into the mall, but seemed more fascinated with Aya's ass.

Then there was the woman at the perfume counter that was determined to blind him with the latest perfume, that wasn't even nice, although she did have a rather nice new lip gloss.

However for all the cons about shopping as a woman, and the list was really quite long, there were nice points too, people held doors open for him, shop assistants pointed him towards elevators, and there was room in the bathrooms for once, although there was usually a fold down table included.

The computer game shop, however, was something completely else. For one thing, there were no girls in there, at all. In fact, it looked like some of those boys had never seen a girl that wasn't their mother before. In fact, it looked like some of those boys had never left middle earth before.

He took a deep breath as one of them whispered, "woman," in a rather strange tone.

"Beautiful woman," another corrected, they were gathering now.

He pushed his way through, using Mihana's push chair much like a battering ram. "Excuse me," he said to the man behind the counter, "I'm looking for Breath of Fire 7."

The shop went silent. It was like he had announced the end of the world.

"That's not a girl game," the man behind the counter said quite specifically.

"So," Aya answered, "I want Breath of Fire 7, do you have it?"

"I have Barbie's best dance party, and Britney's Baby one more time dance explosion, as well as Kuri Kuri puzzle explosion."

Aya tried a glare, but for some reason they just didn't seem as mean when he was dressed as a girl, "I want Breath of Fire 7." He gritted it out from between clenched teeth.

"Now don't you think that's just a little violent for you," the man patronised.

"Look," Aya said, "I want Breath of Fire 7, and that samurai game there, the one with the big sword."

"Onimusha 3?" The man asked, the boys made an aahh sound. "Now that is very violent, and rather scary."

"I'll give you rather scary." Aya grated, "put the games on the counter, and I will pay for them and leave and you can forget that I was here."

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I can in best conscience sell you such violent games, being as you are a girl and all."

Aya started to count, "I am a trained kendoka," he answered, "in a fight I could probably beat that game samurai, in fact I am only buying the damn thing so I can vent some frustration so I can kill the lizard demon things and not you. Now I am a paying customer, and girl or not, I want the violent games, in fact, I'll have that one where you're a vampire and feed on living people as well, and while you're at it, give me something that involves blowing people up."

"Is there a problem here, miss?" The manager said coming from the back of the store.

"Yes," Aya answered, "I was sent here to buy a game for my brother and this assistant," he grated the word out, "won't serve me because I happen to be a happily married woman, for some reason he thinks that this means I can't play computer games with any type of violence."

"I'm very sorry, madam," the manager said, "now what were the games you wanted."

Aya thought of the list of games he had had words with Omi about owning, all the ones that they thought were a little too violent for his underage mind, then he reeled them off. "And I want them all."

"Certainly." The manager said logging the eight games, "now will you paying by plastic or cash, do you have a loyalty card with us? Would you like one? Because you've bought more than five brand new games you can actually have Resident Evil 4 for free." Aya nodded and then signed on the line, before leaving the shop muttering under his breath that he never had this trouble when he was dressed like a man.

It was only when he got back to the Koneko he realised that with all the games he had bought, he hadn't got Breath of Fire 7.


	10. A gay prince charming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 10

Part 10

* * *

Omi looked at the spread of games that Aya handed him, "but these are the wrong games," he said, "not that I'm complaining, but I thought I wasn't allowed Manhunter."

"The man in the shop was an ass." Aya answered, "so I bought all the games he said that were too violent for me, all the ones I said you couldn't have, just to annoy him. You shouldn't have any of them."

"Oh no," Omi said, "you said I couldn't have them and being afraid of your room raids I knew better than to get them."

Ken wandered into the kitchen and picked up one of the dvd boxes on the table, "Fatal Frame." He said with a bit of a laugh in his voice, "perhaps walking through a gloomy haunted mansion where several horrific murders took place doesn't sound so terrible to you?" He shrugged, "Hey, Omi, this sounds fun, can I borrow it?" Omi just shrugged. "How bad can wandering through a house with a camera taking photos be? It seems to have a high rating as well, could be fun."

"Don't you have that motor cycle rally tonight?" Omi asked, working out that the evening would not go to plan unless the house was empty.

"Yeah, but that's not for hours and hours, I can make a start on this and still be out for nine." Ken was almost wheedling.

"You know what that game is, don't you?" Omi asked, having a single worry about Ken playing the game.

"Taking photos of murder scenes, how hard can it be." Omi bit back his answer, if Ken wasn't going to listen then the only way he could learn was to actually go hands on.

Aya watched Ken go with a small amount of trepidation, "shouldn't we warn him about that? I mean, I've heard that that game is terrifying and Disney movies scare Ken."

"He'll learn, I doubt he'll get past the intro." Omi shrugged, "and besides, it's only a game, how scary can it be, oh, you got me Silent Hill as well." He was beaming, "Nagi is going to be so jealous, Crawford said he couldn't have them either."

"If that's the case then you're not to play them tonight, because the vast majority of these have NC-17 ratings and he's only fifteen." Aya did his best to look parental, "and Crawford will kill me."

"Kill you or kiss you?" Omi said with a smile.

"Do you want me to kill you?" Aya answered with a smile, "now I suppose you want to go beautify yourself for your baby sitting date?" Omi just grinned, "it'll only be two hours, is that enough time."

* * *

In the mission room Ken sat on the floor, it was darkened apart from the flicker of the TV set where the game was opening. How bad could it be? He thought, though the intro. wasn't pleasant. Then he noticed the shortness of Miku's skirt and decided not that bad at all.

* * *

Aya opened the door to Nagi where he stood looking as spruce as he could, in fact if Aya wasn't mistaken he would guess that someone was wearing aftershave, taking a deep breath, someone was wearing Crawford's aftershave. If it had have been for anyone else then Aya would have found it cute.

"All the things for Mi-chan have been done." Aya said as he pulled his coat on to go, "there's food in the fridge, you have to sit with her when she's going to sleep, or she won't, and make sure she has at least two blankets." He looked around, "and check on her, okay, and I'll have my cell if you need me."

"Go," Omi said from the door, "Ken's going to be here till nine, and Yohji doesn't normally go out till ten, that means we're only going to be alone for two hours and she'll be asleep. It's all right, go."

Aya looked skittish. He looked at Nagi and then Omi and then at the door, "It's not too late for me to cancel."

"Aya," Omi said in his Bombay "the mission's gone to hell because you're all incompetent" voice, "go, enjoy your date with Crawford."

"I'm not going with Crawford." Aya insisted.

"Then why is he sitting outside waiting for you?" Nagi asked.

"He's giving me a lift. Car pooling." Aya answered, "now if you're sure you're fine."

"Crawford's waiting." Nagi jibed.

"I've got my cell." Aya said as Omi closed the door behind him.

* * *

In the mission room Ken was entranced and horrified, he knew he had to beat the game before he started crying, then a pair of arms dropped from the balcony above, he jumped a clear foot in the air with a yell.

* * *

"What was that?" Nagi asked as Omi pulled a pair of sodas from the fridge and handed him one.

"Ken," Omi answered, "he's playing Fatal Frame."

Nagi nodded, "ah," he said, "that game's freaky, it scared the bejesus out of Far who still runs from women in white kimonos, are you sure you want him to play that?"

"He's a grown man." Omi answered, "and he wouldn't believe us when we told him. Ken's not stupid but sometimes you have to let him make his own mistakes."

"You look really nice tonight," Nagi said a little shyly, he made sure that Mihana was in her pen with her toys and was playing happily, then he stepped forward and kissed Omi.

"Aw, bless." Yohji said from the door, "a jailbait orgy." He reached forward to pinch Omi's cheek.

"Aw, bless," Omi answered, "a pink cowboy." He was wearing a pink cowboy shirt and a snakeskin cowboy hat.

"Isn't that an awful lot of clothes for you?" Nagi asked. "I mean if you're clubbing and all."

Yohji leant back against the fridge with a grin, "I aint dressed for clubbing, little men, not yet, at any rate. I just wanted to see if you had anything for dinner."

Both of them shook their heads, Yohji reached into his pocket and handed them a ten thousand yen bill, "get yourself some pizza and I went out dressed to kill, okay." He blew them both a kiss as he left.

"Well, that was just weird." Nagi said.

"He'll be back later, there's no way he'll go out like that," Omi said, "he wasn't showing any midriff."

* * *

In the mission room Ken was weeping but he really did not want to stop playing the game, because if he did then he would definitely have nightmares. "Ken?" Omi shouted down the stairs.

He came to the conclusion that his resulting scream was not in any way girly.

* * *

Aya looked at the pay phone in the opera house with undisguised longing. Crawford rolled his eyes. "It's been fifteen minutes," Crawford said quietly, "they'll be fine, you can call them at the interval, but they'll think that you don't trust them."

"I know," Aya answered, "but…"

"I know," Crawford said taking his hand, "but they'll be fine, they're both qualified assassins and they're both old beyond their years and people their age look after children all over the world."

"I know." Aya said, "but…"

"They're going to be fine." Crawford squeezed his hand.

"But Ken's in the mission room playing Fatal Frame and if I phone he might jump out of his skin." He gave a rather sly grin.

"Now that's the best excuse I've heard you make, but phone his cell, so I can hear the yelp."

"You're wicked." Aya said with a grin.

"It was your idea." Crawford answered, scandalised. "Far bought it, because it caused such blasphemy it had to hurt god." He laughed to himself, "he wouldn't come out from under the kitchen table for a week." He outright grinned, "but it was much funnier when Schuldig tried to find out what was so scary and read his mind." He sniggered "but you really had to be there." He bit his knuckles trying to hide his laughter, "but the resulting scream of "dear sweet Jesus-God" got Far out from under the table and chasing him around the kitchen."

"Did you play it?" Aya asked as they started walking towards their seat.

"Do I look possessed?" Crawford said, "I read the reviews in Nagi's magazine and then bought stock in Tecmo, they've made a sequel you know." He looked at Aya with a smile, "are you going to play it?"

Aya shook his head, "I just wanted to know how to scare the wits out of Ken."

* * *

In the mission room Ken sneezed thinking someone might be talking about him, then he saved, knowing that if he went into the hidden sacrifice room without saving he would die and he'd have to do that bit in the corridor again. He didn't want to do that again, so he saved.

* * *

Yohji opened the door, "chibis, I have returned." He shouted, it gave Nagi and Omi the warning they needed to peel apart and fling themselves at opposite ends of the sofa. "Did you miss me?" He asked popping his head around the parlour.

"where did you go?" Omi asked, scratching his neck in the hope that the red lines might cover his hickey.

"To see a man about a dog." Yohji answered with a grin, "now I'll just go get changed and let the ladies of Tokyo appreciate minna no Kudoh Yohji."

"From a distance?" Nagi asked in his most innocent voice, "through the group of men."

Yohji just grinned, "I'm gonna get ready for the beauties of Tokyo."

"Schu's out tonight, he's going to be in Feathers." Nagi said with a bit of a smirk.

"Now is that a fashion statement or a club?" Omi said with his puppy dog eyes.

"Ha ha, is that baby meant to be asleep on the floor?" Yohji said as he left them.

Omi looked at Mihana who had, it was true, fallen asleep on the floor. Nagi noticed it and lifted her with his power as Omi stepped over and took her from where she was levitating, "I'll take her and put her to bed, you want to wait for me and then we can go back to tormenting Ken."

Nagi just smiled.

* * *

Yohji came down the stairs dressed in the manner of David Lee Roth, wearing heavy boots, spandex trousers and a crop top that looked more like a sloggi sports bra, over it he was wearing a vintage army jacket from what might have been the American civil war, complete with epaulettes. "How do I look?" He asked.

Nagi burst out laughing, "yeah, Omi, that joke was really funny."

"I hear you, chibi." Yohji said, "is it that one about the two frogs in the bath, because that is really, really funny." He looked around, "have you seen my hair-spray."

"Yeah," Omi said with a smile, "it's in the mission room."

Omi looked at Nagi, Nagi looked back, "we'll go with you." He said.

Yohji went down the stairs where Ken was sat in almost pitch darkness apart from the flickering of the screen, the game appeared to be playing a soundtrack of white noise. Yohji lifted his complete hold concrete in a can hair-spray, and started to spray, Nagi used his power to push him so the fine mist went everywhere but his hair. "My eyes!" Yohji yelled.

"By all that's holy." Ken screamed and not even seeing them he ran up the stairs and slammed all the doors on the way into the kitchen.

Yohji watched him go with a look of bemusement, "registered assassin," he muttered, "all right, chibis, I'm out for the evening. How do I look?"

"You look like a gay prince charming." Nagi supplied.

Yohji beamed, "do I need more make up?" He asked.

"Go," Omi said, "you look fine, now we have to send Ken to his motorcycle rally."

"How are you going to do that?" Yohji asked as he reached the front door.

"Easy," Nagi answered, "a judicious application of telekinesis."

* * *

Author's note:

I have played Fatal Frame, or as it's known in the UK Project Zero, and it is incredibly frightening for many reasons, it might even be scarier than Silent Hill, though it's a close call.

One of the most disturbing of the ghosts (with the possible exception of the broken woman from 2 who has every bone in her body broken and flops around after you- ugh) is the blind woman who for the most part is just a disembodied voice screaming my eyes, my eyes, give me back my eyes, usually when you've nerved yourself up to open a door you're pretty sure something nasty is behind. So you're wound as tight as a guitar string, you've found out that the door you've just come through has been fastened with human hair no less, and this disembodied voice starts telling you about her eyes. It's not pleasant. And they have names like that "the hanging woman, crouching child, running child, the broken woman, the bound man, the shrine maiden, the rope maiden, the falling man, Kirie's love." You've not known fear till you've come up against the high priest either.


	11. An Assassin and White Baby Chapter the Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 11- Chapter the last

Part 11- Chapter the last

* * *

Aya opened the door, "for crying out loud, Nagi, I don't need to see that." He said, "You can put that away and I'll get you a cab."

"Aya," Omi said, "it's only his maths text book, I was showing him how to do trig."

"I know," Aya said with a bit of a snigger, "but I wanted that moment when you thought you might have your fly open." He pulled off his coat, "was Mi-chan okay?" He asked.

They nodded, "she hasn't stirred." Omi said, "isn't Nagi going to crash?"

"After what happened last time?" Aya asked with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not surprised Crawford's funny about letting him stay, you got into bed with Schuldig."

"Aya-san," Nagi said looking up at him, "you're in a good mood."

"The recital was wonderful, Hijiri-san is like some kind of genius, he played the devil's trill like it was written for him. Of course you're going to stay, Nagi, I'm just teasing, but bear in mind, Omi, Schuldig won't be here to save you this time."

"Did Crawford entertain you?" Nagi asked brightly.

"I didn't go out with Crawford." Aya answered.

"You just both went to the same concert at the same night. That's a large coincidence."

"It happens," Aya shrugged, "Crawford and I are very alike, that doesn't necessarily mean that we're dating."

"Or that he gave you that hickey." Omi said.

Aya's hand flew to his neck, "I went out with Yuushi Honjyou." He protested.

"Of course you did," Omi said, "but did anyone tell him?"

"Here." Aya said changing the subject and handing them both a matching note, "for looking after Mihana, now off to bed, the both of you."

He watched them go and went into the kitchen to find a cowering Siberian under the kitchen table, "you won't let them get me, will you, Aya, you'll protect me, won't you?"

Aya rolled his eyes. "Repeat after me, it's just a game." He said crouching in front of him.

"It's based on a true story." Ken whined.

"Go on to bed," Aya said, "I'm here, and I won't let them hurt you. Go on." Ken looked a bit sheepish as he crawled out from under the table. "There are no ghosts here, go on." Aya poured himself a glass of water, shaking his head in dismay at certain members of his team.

* * *

Crawford came by the next morning to collect Nagi. Aya was sat with Mihana on his lap, she was happily sucking her pacifier and fighting to keep her eyes open. "She's almost kind of sweet asleep." Crawford said, "now if you're ready, Naoe, and don't forget your math homework."

"Omi helped me with it." Nagi said brightly, "I understand it now."

"All right," Crawford said, "now we have to take Farfarello to the psychiatrist so we can't linger, now if you've got everything." He said looking around, "thanks for putting him up, and here," he handed Aya a box, "this is for Siberian, I had a vision."

"He came out from under the kitchen table." Aya said quietly.

"He's under the bed now." Omi said, "I checked in on him on the way downstairs, all you can see is his feet, and I think he might be crying."

"It's only a game." Aya snapped, "I'll get him."

"We'll just be going, but take the box, it'll get him out from under the bed, and if we're lucky, among people." Crawford said, "come on, Nagi, I'll drop you off at the mall on the way."

"Bai bai," Omi said waving.

* * *

Ken had moved himself out from under the bed and made himself a small nest in the wardrobe. Aya opened the wardrobe and looked down at him, "here," he said throwing the box at him, "now we already have one baby in the house, we don't need another one."

Ken warily opened the box to reveal an antique camera with a raised flash with a leather strap to hang it around his neck. "There you go," Aya said sarcastically, "a magic camera to protect you from all the ghosties that we get in the flower shop." Ken at least managed to look a little sheepish, "now get out of the wardrobe and into the shower."

Ken stood up, banged his head on the rail, swore, and then walked into the bathroom clutching his "magic camera".

Aya went down the stairs "it's going to be one of those days, I can tell."

He was met at the bottom of the stairs by what might have been a gay prince charming who looked like someone had slapped him all over his makeup with a wet towel. "Never mind it is one of those days."

"Birman's in the kitchen." Yohji said as he walked up the stairs.

"Ken's in the bathroom." Aya told him, "and he's got a camera."

"Why does he need a camera in the bathroom?" Yohji asked, thinking that this was most likely one of those questions that you really didn't want the answer to.

"To protect him from the ghosts, it got him out of the wardrobe." Aya told him, "I'll just go see Birman."

"Someone's a little cranky this morning," Omi said, "did Crawford not put out."

"I'm not going out with Crawford." Aya snapped.

"Glad to hear it," Birman said with a laugh, "because my ticket in the pool sees you with Schuldig, and if you are going out with Crawford it means that Rex gets the money." Birman wasn't dressed for giving out missions, in fact instead of the razor sharp blue business suit she normally wore she was wearing a black track suit, and her hair was up in a pony tail. "I'm only here boys, to bring the baby back to it's mother."

"Manx said that Schwarz had killed her parents." Aya protested.

"Manx said that?" Birman asked, "priceless, I wondered how she got you to babysit for her."

"How did Manx know Aya was so good with babies?" Omi asked, working out another way to get that precious information.

"Aya?" Birman laughed, "didn't he tell you, back when he was in Crashers Aya went undercover as a neonatal nurse in a maternity ward, he ended up really good with babies." Aya went bright red. "It was to stop a child snatching ring, he did really well, but he was looking after them for about a month, and he cried when we wrapped up the case. I think he might have stayed."

"I don't think this is relevant." Aya grated.

"You should have seen him, Omittchi, in his little white nurse's uniform, he was so kawaii, Queen has photos, I'll get her to email them to you."

Aya was torn between dying of mortification and murder. "You said that Manx lied to get me to take this mission." It escaped from between clenched teeth.

"It wasn't a mission, honey," Birman said with a laugh, "Manx's sister was in hospital for a few days and needed someone to look after Mi-chan, I was a bit surprised when I heard you'd taken it, but you're so good with babies, I just assumed you went all gushy, she told you it was a mission?" Birman's eyes were very large and clear.

"Mihana is in her push chair in the parlour." Aya said in a very quiet, very measured tone of voice, "I'll go get her things from upstairs, and while I am up there I might just kill someone, possibly Ken."

"Why Ken?" Birman asked.

"He's having a panic attack, he thinks ghosts are after him." Omi explained, "he's been like that all night, he was playing Fatal Frame."

Birman just nodded. "Well then boys, I'll take the baby, now you be good, and if you need help disposing of Siberian's body, just call." She blew a kiss, "and tell Ken I want photos of Yohji dressed like that." She crossed her arms and banged her wrists together once and then twice over her head1, "and tell him ridicule is nothing to be scared of." Omi looked like he genuinely didn't get it. "Don't worry, Omittchi," Birman said with a smile, "Yotan's old enough to get it."

* * *

Author's note

1 I was going to leave you as much in the dark as Omittchi but then I realised it was kind of funny if you did, what birman is doing is the dance from the Adam Ant Prince Charming video, where the lines were "prince charming, ridicule is nothing to be scared of" and had lines of people doing the dance move.


End file.
